Ok, lol, no excuses. The last week's been a holiday, and we're back to square one with the 2am Monday morning posts. I realised one thing though as I was thinking about it, I think I discovered the key inhibitor to me doing more frequent and, well, higher quality posts in general. On the surface, it's because I don't care. Plain and simple. However, if you look into it... Why don't I care? Then the revalation hit: I don't care because no one else does. Sure, there will always be people (my faithful sis, for one) who will definitely be reading my blog, but is there really anyone who wants me to post enough for me to actually take action? Is there anyone who I actually wish to read my blog? Perhaps, but I probably didn't tell them so (How do you tell someone that? That's not so far off from confessing...), or maybe they just don't exist. Not for this nerd.

Edit: As testament to how out of touch with time and the world in general, it was actually Sunday 2am when I started writing this -.-"

Umm, for the first holiday since my term and life as a medical student started, I've done precious little (no) studying. Probably should feel guilty, I must be the only one who's actually not got straight into the books this periodyet . And oh believe me, I need to. Instead, I've been either out, sleeping, or playing games. Fine, a lot of games. Yes, I know, irresponsible blah blah. I hear it everyday, all the time. From myself. Maybe I should listen some time.

But that hasn't been the summary of everything that's gone on this holiday. We actually had an extra tutorial on Monday with Prof. Voon, which actually went quite well. His tutorials/ lectures /everything he says always somehow comes out in a jumble, unsorted and randomised thoroughly, just barely clinging onto the broad topic at all. It's a nightmare trying to take notes during his sessions, and this from a computer user. If I can't navigate through his lecture with the superiority of Word processors, with not only the ability to jump about the page, adding items under headings, but even the supreme power to move words around the page... I wonder how everyone else is doing. On that note, I was pretty surprised to find after some time that I'm one of the only people using a computer to take notes. I suppose it's probably good practice to write and stuff, but honestly computers just own paper for note-taking. It's basically paper with magical properties (relatively). But then, the other day I tried to write something... I think everyone was wondering how many aeons ago it was since I last touched a pen.

Oh yes, this week's highlight was definitely the OG outing + sleepover. It was actually a few events combined, going from the evening before up to the next morning. While the outing was officially initiated by a sports day, I only turned up after that (I actually got up late, but really, sports days aren't for me >.>). A few of us then saw Esther off at the airport, a member of our OG (as she always will be), but now going to Cambridge. We'll all definitely miss her; she was a delightfully animated and bubbly character. Of course, there were all the feelings normally associated to friends leaving present, both by the subject and associated friends. Sigh, <--- veteran by now. For better or worse. Sometimes I wish I wasn't. But I guess I understood how she was feeling that day at the airport, with friends all around. Refrained from asking how she was feeling, as much as it's reflexive most of the time (lol, reflex). But then, there's always people who will ask. I would have too, but 4 years later, I know better. You don't ask because there isn't an answer. Not one that will fit into words, and possibly not even in your head. I would have wished her a good trip, but I didn't. Because it's not the trip that matters when you think back to that farewell, it's the journey you began once you landed. I didn't acknowledge it's been fun, because it hasn't ended. Yet I hope that girl is doing fine over there, even though I know she is. A complex thing, experience, especially when it meets emotion.

The rest of the evening consisted of the guys heading to Timbre, while the girls went Kboxing. From what I heard, sounded like they had fun =). Timbre could have passed for someones backyard party if not for the bar counter, menus and the fact that it's Singapore. Ok, it wasn't so bad, but the place was tiny, cramped, and was in all honesty, a backyard, albeit a reasonably sized one. While functioning as a semi-bar/ club/ open-air lounge hybrid, it was apparently famous for it's pizza, which admittedly wasn't bad. The atmosphere was there too, though I'm not sure it's somewhere I'd go for a nice night out. It was too loud to allow any civilised form of conversation besides shouting at the top of your lungs, too dark to allow you to see the other party/parties, and just not very conducive for getting to know people. Unless you count drinking and well... Existing, a form of meaningful social interaction. Don't get me wrong, I thought it was fine, but just... Not for me. Wei Xing had it worse than me... I think he's the same as me, just less used to that sort of environment in general. The absence girls didn't help at all =/. Not when all the guys just want to drink, comment on drinks when the noise level permitted, and laugh at people drinking (and puking, which Xin Rong did after quaffing a "Flaming Waterfall", tough stuff). The Live Band wasn't too bad, and sort of was what kept me going throughout the whole thing. Makes me wonder what everyone else's take was though, and even what girls outings are like =P

Anyway, we all adjourned to Colin's place at about 12am+ after our respective activities. Let me just say, Colin has an impressive house. And that's quite an understatement (3 stories, basement, attic, yard, pond, verandah, what more can you ask in Singapore?). Really appreciate his and his family's hospitatility though, great hosts. The sleepover was quite fun, although I've got to say, our OG isn't really cut out for sleepovers. I thought everyone was great though even so, most of them survived to almost the morning playing games, sporting 'till the end. Salute to you all, I know how hard it is when you're not conditioned to staying up late, and especially on top of all the sports they played in the afternoon. Still, it's quite obvious that many of them love their night's sleep too much to enjoy sleepovers. Or can't face the guilt that comes with wasting the following day, a fair point. But personally I'm immune to quite a few things, and perhaps that's one of them. Myself, I didn't sleep, and when everyone did eventually I just listened to the music, watched the sky brighten with the sunrise. I find it a pity trying to salvage sleep on nights when I resolve not to. Still, it was fun, with the different times people went to sleep, there were also people waking up throughout, so I got to spend some nice time in the quiet of the morning with them, either talking or just enjoying each others company. It's the little things like these that make sleepovers imho, though I don't know how many appreciate it as I do.

The thing is, I had a dinner appointment with some of the cell group members the day after the sleepover... And just a note to self: DO NOT set dinner appointments on the days after sleepovers. I closely averted much shame there with a well placed taxi ride and sharp movements. Sigh. It's normally towards the late afternoon/evening that my clockwork starts winding out after an all-nighter, though it's stretchable to the next morning (through experience).

Oh yes, I finally got my guitar! The holiday was perfect, and Nick was an incredible help. Sincere thanks for accompanying me and helping bring me around/ pick/ bargain/ do everything for me lol. It's been so long since I actually had the opportunity to make my own music, and everytime I see someone play the piano, or make music at all, it just itched somewhere inside that I could do that once. Together with the yearning to do it again. And now I have the means once more to make my own music. Given the significance music has in my life, I'm actually quite glad that the opportunity has once again been afforded to me. And it's a great guitar, if a touch expensive =P. Yay, that's one more thing to juggle with everything else going on at the moment.

I've asked myself: when will it all come down? I suppose when the time comes, I'll be willing to let go of stuff, if slowly at first. And only for pretty specific reasons. But until then, juggle I will. It's fun when there isn't anything important involved. Well, school results might, but it's nowhere near anything as significant as people's lives, or people's hearts.

It's actually morning now, and I've got church soon. Sigh, I had more to talk about, but you know. I really should get some sleep at least before. It's not worth pulling an all-nighter just for this post, which no one cares about anyway (other than myself, thus why I'm still up at 4.30am writing it ftl).

And here we go again.

Yo. Yes, I know it's actually Monday. But I haven't slept yet, and therefore have not unofficially ended Sunday night yet. So much for the earlier post in the week. The next week is a recess week for NUS students though (essentially 1 week of holidays!), and also provides a perfect opportunity to get a mid-week post up.

The recess week is sort of given for people to take a break after (or before) mid-term tests. Which we don't have. Win? We do have some later on though, it's just that we haven't done enough for them to properly test us lol. We're currently onto anatomy, and started with the upper limb, and everything that makes it up. Sort of a weird way to teach it imho, but we shall see. So far it's just been going from bad to worse. Started off with bones, which was Ok. English is cool. Then came muscles. Ok, now it's in Latin. By the time they got down to nerves, I think anatomists just gave up using language anymore. Now it's in numbers. But that's enough about school.

I went along on Monday to my church leader's meeting (not sure why actually, someone asked someone to ask me to or something along those lines). It wasn't bad, learned quite a bit actually. Anyone in Singapore remember anything about that exorcism case that's been pretty big in the past year? Well simply put, a woman is suing a catholic church (two priests and several members?) for attempting an exorcism on her without proper consent/reason, and carrying on against her will. The church has a defense, but I won't list out all the details of the case, which can no doubt be found online. The intriguing part is that the senior managing lawyer hired by my church (City Harvest Church, and the biggest one in Singapore), is the one of the litigation lawyers for the defense. He spoke to the church leadership, primarily for the purpose of educating the general community I suppose on the current situation. The case results will probably be released next year, and the forum will be happening sometime at the end of the month. Won't pass any personal judgment on the case, I don't know enough about the current details... But it really raised some issues on things like deliverance ministries in churches and where they go from here. How can things like these be incorporated into the law, while requiring the case to maintain the level of integrity of things like evidence when ethereal realms are involved?

Something that struck me the other day: despite how mystifying esoteric girls can get, they are in fact essential; indispensable, in fact, when it comes to organising/planning/getting things done. I also have a further, more controversial possibility to suggest: they maintain the social standard among fellow human beings, simply by existing. In their absence (disregarding reproduction as a factor), do you even want to imagine the possibilities in resulting states of the world? Allow me to suggest an analogy: Think the Army. A perfect example created by society itself, for analysis to this end. A predominantly male controlled, male run society functioning independently (for the most part) from the rest of the world. All I ask is that a quick contrast be made between the two. The Army probably showcases some of the lowest forms of social standards of human interaction in reasonably developed environments today, and I dare any guy (with military experience) with a decent sense of the world's current standards of society to disagree. The first signs are a loss of order. What did they do? Run a draconian power system to prevent the otherwise inevitable descent into chaos. In this meagre attempt to reestablish the balance inevitably upset in such a facet of society, not only are many more imbalances created, but as we all know, suppression of the human spirit only goes so far. There's always a limit. Did order result though? If you believe so, I urge you to rethink that. In this sense, one has to actually have experienced the systems run in a military setting first hand. The point is this: While a neat and organised framework is always set up, why does it still fail? What differentiates the structure of this organisation (especially in a country like Singapore, whos conscript army lies dormant), from any corporate one? Virtually? Nothing. Except maybe the relative drastic absence of the representation of the opposite sex. Complacence and laziness are present everywhere, but it's the loss of a part of the notion of humanity itself in within the ranks/core of the system that, in my opinion, is the reason. Which leads us right back to the point: - which you should be able to figure out yourself if you survived this evil chunk of text designed to repel all but the most resilient. (Do take note, this post was preconcieved, and written by a guy, from a guy's point of view (mine).For any one-sidedness apparent (especially to the ladies), I do beg pardon.)

At church earlier on Sunday, something rather disturbing happened. One thing that I've found quite hard to deal with is the style of the church and it's members when it comes to evangelism and leading people to Christ. They're just a little bit too... Forceful, for my taste. It was mentioned that there are problems with church growth related not to a lack of visitors, but possibly a lack of follow-ups. People just lose interest. Perfectly ordinary human tendency. Today I discovered what might be a root problem in this respect. For some reason, members are all too eager in pushing "redemption", which in fact isn't really at the end of the day. I believe that when an individual chooses to recieve Christ, and the Holy Spirit into their lives, it should be a conscious, informed, and voluntary decision. Anything less would nullify the impact of the decision, muddy the edges and corrupt the clarity and sureness in what they've done. Today, I saw a close acquaintance of mine figuratively "forced" (I use the term loosely) to go up with the rest of those deciding to accept Christ into their lives that day. I say "forced" because it wasn't really, but rather, careful manipulation was used (as Singaporeans are notorious in my mind for (and makes me want to spit at those employing such despicable ploys in utter disgust)) to place her in an awkward, and what could be interpreted as a politically incorrect position should she refuse. Which was how she interpreted it. After her initial two refusals, I saw her sullenly rise and follow the shameless zealot up to the front to say the Sinner's Prayer. Blasphemous though this may sound, I hope she didn't, and knowingly purposely didn't do so. It was not only her first time in church, but seriously, I don't even believe in a Christian inviting a non-Christian up front to say the prayer, (a practice seen all too much here), except in exceptional circumstances.

Put yourself into the poor visitor you're dragging up to the stage for an instant. Let's say you're a freethinker/member of another religion, checking out your friend's church/temple/place of worship for whatever religion when invited to come along. Then the person running the meeting gives an opportunity for everyone present to essentially convert to that religion, by taking a spiritually significant step in your life, though you're obviously not very sure, and quite pensive at this point, the only certain thing is that some people will be making a pretty big decision based on this religion soon. Next thing you know, and your friend(s) suddenly has this light in their eyes, and are fervently persuading you to go up and make this significant decision. And the persuasion comes subliminally, with body language, with words (i'll get back to this), from peer pressure, other environmental factors, etc. Your refusal is met with further persuasion, with magnified intensity, and time is running short. What would you do? I know what my reaction would have been (varies slightly based on what my initial religion is assumed to be). I'd tell the person straight out to fsck off (or perhaps use politer forms of the expression, depending on various factors), and at the very least shut myself off to all lower levels of communication, willing myself to only notice the superficial (one way to demolish the manipulative nature of some of the scornful tricks and traps employed much in Asian cultures - they usually aren't bold enough to meet you on the superficial level), and at most walk straight out of the meeting.

The reason! Why is persuasion wrong? What if you manage to explain somehow in that short peroid the sigficance of redemption, and the reason why people would do this, and what it means to do it? It's because of this: Compared to religions, Christianity seems incredibly easy to get into on the surface. You say a prayer. Done. Yay, now you're a Christian and will be going to heaven. Gl and hf for the rest of your life. (Not really, but that's for another time). The thing is, due to the unclear level of depth and significance (as compared to signing a contract in blood or something dramatic like that), it's so easy for people to fall into the trap of falling into the vague void in between. Which is exactly what I feel is happening to at least 90% of people saved in a church that does the whole "encouraging" practice. At the end, questions arise: What? That's it? I'm a Christian now? Am I really a child of God now and going to heaven just for saying a few magic words? Do I have to believe what I just said? Does it matter that I don't know/don't care what happens after this? Does it matter that I didn't really want to do this? Am I locked into something now? What have I done? The list goes on. Oh, the church does it's best to remedy this, resources and the like are afforded to new converts where possible... To me, it's just a little bit late. Thus, when someone refuses to comply when obliged to make a decision like that, there's obviously some reason behind their hesitance. Now if they are "forced" in this state to make the decision, it gets all murky. Once again, my views.

At this point of the post, I looked back to what I've written so far, took a look at the time, and then noticed the difference in the colour of the sky outside my window. Ok not quite, a bit of dramatism, but really, it's not long from then. Not long at all. Quick wrap up from here on out.

I really plan to clean up my room this next week, hope that gets done somehow ><... It's filthy at the moment, and not conducive to living in general at all. Sigh. This is what happens when mum isn't there to nag you. Starting to see some small possibility in the use of that. I also hope to get a guitar during this week! I'm quite out of touch with music in general, what with not having seen my piano for almost a year now, and missing the feel of making music. Especially when I see people do it more. And even more especially when I know I used to be able to. We shall see how much I get done.

Good morning.

Hello all, to this week's issue (starting to feel like it isn't it >.<)... I need to break out of this habit of rushing late Sunday night posts in order not to run afoul of the invisible yet binding barrier. Suggestions anyone? It's just that there isn't much in the way of motivation to keep this up at all, much less post more frequently =/.

A few firsts in this week I suppose, in terms of school and stuff: we had our first exposure to human cadavers (corpses (Yes.)) this week. We had to swear an oath to respect their bodies as we used them to further our knowledge etc... Won't type the whole thing out, but it was pretty formal I suppose, us dressed in our standard regalia (white coats >.>), and each with a (gloved) hand on a cadaver as we recited the lines. The following day we actually had a practical in the Anatomy Hall (where all such sessions will be conducted) for two hours with cadavers as well as extra sets of upper limbs to work with (the topic we're currently on).

You're not the first to wonder about my initial and consequent reactions to the whole deal, worry not. From the outside, I would imagine it all sounds pretty eerie and disgusting and scary. Believe me, after having taken the oath and all that, let me assure you... It is. There's just nothing to even try to romanticise when you're dealing with cadavers. Oh they try, but at the end of the day, here is a person dead quite a while, and probably had no wish whatsoever for his body to be where it is now (Sad story here: While a select few cadavers are actually donated willingly by their former inhabitants, a large majority actually come from deceased members of the public, whom no one eventually claimed, as relatives or otherwise, for funeral or burial). He's pretty much been cut open for you, and you're digging around his insides.

I guess the feelings (mine at least), were rapidly suppressed by a sort of coldness and detachment (see: the Void). I don't know how the progression is supposed to work, but apparently eventually you open back up again with a mixture of respect and a few other emotions... The time will come I suppose, and it'll probably be gradual (Hint, little chance you'll see it featured again). Oh well, they say your cadaver is your first real teacher. And in a sense that would be correct.

Thursday also saw my group's first actual meeting with a patient. Technically he wasn't a patient himself, but the father of a premature baby who spent some time in the neonatal ward (where my doctor works, and it seems I've become attached to during this period). He was actually a professor himself, and an engaging intellectual that aside, a fresh change from the generalised idea of patients we've been given this far in (actually I personally think we just got lucky). Anyway, he was the father of a premature baby girl who was just discharged that day itself. It was a really intriguing session, and in the process revealed many issues as well as insights into the inner workings of the hospital system at large. Sadly, I realised shortly after that these problems are probably here to stay: there's simply not much you can do about inter-ward information relay insufficiencies etc. The remedy has to begin at the roots: the only currently viable solution being personal resolve. The professor was cool though, the fact that he knew we were students and acknowledged us so made everything so smooth, and the time flew faster than it has for me in a long time. Which is quite a statement to make personally...

Went for another concert with Man Ying~! She got another cover for The Ridge (NUS student publication), and her article's getting published in the next issue =P. Free concert tickets = win. Best seats in the house = win++. It was actually a hip-hop dance concert, something I... Didn't think I would be that into. Don't think Man Ying is either lol. But actually as a whole I sort of liked. There were a few items that were actually really professionally done in my opinion. I loved the music (despite it being hip-hop, not my pet genre), and some of the dances just blew the concert away: I'm a sucker for perfect blends of music and dance, which pretty much never happens. Maybe something close was achieved at some point during House Dance back in Wesley, but nowhere near the standard today. I actually found the whole concert very emotive though, in an "out-loud" sort of way, siginificant of hip-hop I suppose. But they really did address a lot of highly relevant themes in the world today, expressed in music and dance: I really thought it captured the core and soul of the messages they were getting across. Picturesque. Interesting note, the guest group from NTU (National Technological University) actually outperformed the NUS group, in our opinion, and many others I'm sure. They just arranged everything more thematically, had a better mix of music (more pop/less rap inclined (lol some bias here)), and then just took it away with their skills. Hats off to the choreographers of hip-hop though, imo one of the hardest genres of dance to choreograph for. But yeah, all in all quite an enjoyable time.

Just on the way back on the bus from my uncle's place this evening for mooncakes and dinner, I just noticed the number of disasters plaguing the news on TV (which I haven't been keeping up with). Landslides in China, Typhoons in Taiwan, hurricanes and train collision in the US, terrorist blasts in India, all this on top of the major earthquakes and the other disasters that have been happening recently. Really makes you wonder... I'm this sure that when I was half my age, there wasn't so much in the way of ill tidings on the news. It's come to the point where it's not even one big cover story at a time anymore. They're so frequent now that they're even starting to stack up, so you have multiple disasters happening in different parts of the world, for different reasons. No correlations implied, but would you not concede that it's at least just slightly disturbing?

On that note, it just happens that Thursday was the 11th of September. Seem to ring a bell? Think back 7 years ago. I find it rather disappointing that the significance of this date has, in such a short time, been lost already. I don't know if it's the culture change (perhaps they place greater significance on memorials and dates back in Australia), but there was nothing at all that seemed to be happening on this rock (Note: I don't know much, and I hear even less, but honestly, how difficult is it to hear a minute of silence, or even about any such thing taking place). There was plenty of mid-autumn celebration going around though (mooncake anyone?). Oh, I'm sure it lingered somewhere at the back of everyone's mind that it's 9/11 today. Followed by: Wonder why I remembered that. And then it's replaced by the next thought in less than a millisecond. I may just be my biased old blog-self again, but do you not agree that the single event which has probably steered the course of history, and human society in a completely new direction aught to receive some form remembrance, especially for the victims of one of the greatest tragedies measured by the magnitude of sheer consequences and cascades that resulted? Sometimes I just wonder where humanity is heading. And how far we may already have fallen.

Lest we forget.

Hey all. Ok it's incredibly late. I skipped my dailies just to do this post (it's obviously going to be insanely short).(!) (Refers to a set of quests in WoW that you can repeat on a daily basis, generally with some form of financial incentive (generally gold or tokens of trade)). Anyway, well things just sort of got out of hand this weekend. I had plans, but... More stuff happens, forcing me to add stuff to the initial plans, until I'm just overloaded. Solution? I stopped making plans.

But lets get down to the post so I can sleep (sad state it's degraded to huh) (don't worry, I do, in fact, feel better after the posts). We had our first day off on Thursday (!!!), but then it was sort of due to our schedule on Saturday, when we had to come back to school for a full day of motivational talks and the like. Apparently "compulsory". Don't know what everyone else thought, but in my honest opinion, I was bored. I know it sounds rude, coarse, and unrefined, but seriously, I don't know if it's because I've heard too many of those, or I just fail at EQ. I know that some people were definitely affected by the talks, motivated as a result to make changes, left teary eyed (or in the case of a girl sitting a few seats down the row, completely red-faced and having to leave the theatre). Sometimes I wonder if I missed something. I did sleep through what added up to be a good portion of the talks overall, but I didn't miss enough of any one part to completely have missed anything. Ended up skipping the afternoon section (some workshop related to the morning talks, honestly had enough (as many others did)).

Makes me wonder if perhaps my heart's hardened in the past few months/half a year. Developed some sort of immunity perhaps? Become too critical? And yet I know that I've been crying more than I ever have since I developed self-consciousness, as a result of feeling touched in some way (Not for any other reason... Maybe that's why?). I realise that the more you let tears well up, the easier the come the next time around. Sounds emo and gay, but it's something I've found to be true from my own self-analysis. But maybe it's what touches me that makes the difference? Worth reflecting/looking at in more appropriate time. Still, it was cool to have Dr. William Tan come talk (paraplegic neurospecialist/marathon runner). Never heard him before, only of him. He was... Motivational. At least, supposed to be. I just thought it interesting hearing his story, and what he accomplished as a result. Raised questions in me instead of motivating, such as the paths his life could have taken, and the eventual ends he would have reached, and what went through his head when he looks back at decisions etc. But of course, those are questions that no one's probably ever going to know, except himself, and then with uncertainty or not at all. Sigh... Don't know what to make of it myself really.

Jaben finally had stocks of the new Mylarone earphones (to replace my x3i's which broke). They didn't hold any old stock anymore, and I've been waiting about 3 weeks without proper earphones until these stocks came in... The cool thing is, I'm probably one of the first consumers in the world who own a pair of these =P. Managed to make the exchange without any problems... Except I'm a bit unsatisfied with the sound quality compared to my old burnt-in pair. Going to commence burning them in tonight (for those who don't know, burn-in is a debatable phenomenon that happens to relatively high-end headphones/earphones after you listen to them for a while... We believe their sound gradually changes as you listen over time, generally for the better. Some people attempt to accelerate this process, as I will.) Still pretty noob at this, but I'm starting to realise I'm turning into a budding audiophile.

My aunt randomly asked me to go over to her place for dinner, at just the perfect time, such that saying no would just be wrong... I couldn't live with the decision of turning her down, given the time and place. Wasn't bad I guess, seeing the relatives again. Free dinners are also ftw.

Ok really need to go and sleep, like now. I don't want to completely zone out tomorrow (staying awake for a few minutes during the lecture is better than none!).

Cya.