It's odd how when we are following a routine, we seem to find time for everything else other than the task at hand. However, when we are removed from that routine lifestyle and placed in a new or unfamiliar situation, where there are no constants, our focus improves greatly, centering around an effectively planned retinue for each new task. Obviously, this only lasts a while, until a new routine is formed, and the cycle continues. When focal points shift suddenly and forcefully in a set direction, there will inevitably be casualties. Blogging is one of them.
Unannounced hiatuses are great fun, if only for the writer. Any greviences borne by other parties may be taken up in the chatbox, and will be appropriately dealt with (at the discretion of the writer). I haven't made blogging a priority during this turbulent peroid, and I'm proud of it. Okay fine, I apologise to everyone impatiently awaiting my next post, in vain (to you, especially). In my defence, I am currently drafting this post from the top bunk on a room on the third floor of a quaint little accomodation in the middle of Venice, without an internet connection. Apologies aside, however, it's been interesting not blogging for so long. I realise now that I've developed a taste for it, and I set upon this post with vigour (initially.).
Transferring from trip to trip so quickly, Australia through Singapore and onto Europe has been an exhausting experience, in many ways. In the past week and a half, I've learnt how to stretch time to new limits, levels which I never have before. Would you believe it, not studying or doing something one would expect to expand limits of time management, but in transit from holiday to holiday (with various, numerous other complications, but that's beside the point).
There eventually accumulated a plethora of points and thoughts that occurred to me over this past week to blog about, but having no opportunity to, I will probably forget most of them by the time I have the chance to blog them properly. Expect posts covering those when I finally end my furious gallavanting around the world. Until then, be content I managed to write this at all, at 12 midnight on the 16th of July. This post will probably appear only days after this writing.
I miss the girl. Much more than might be considered logical.
Once again, an early start tomorrow, and tonight it's me versus a trapped mosquito. May the better combatant win.
Fingers through your hair.
Posted at
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7/18/2009 05:47:00 AM
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Saturday, July 18, 2009
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Women can be incredibly perplexing creatures. I speak for the men here when I say we love them, but on the other hand, sometimes they make it so difficult for us to do it. It is often said that women are complex, but I would beg to differ. In fact, I believe that they can even be simple at times. This attribute however, does exist, although not quite in that way. While the female species may be simple, they have tendencies to defy understanding and rationale completely, especially in matters where emotion is involved. But then again, are humans even rational at all then, when it comes down to that? We can only keep loving them, will only keep loving them. And God help us.
Let me use an analogy of writing a computer program. It's rather akin to a situation where you are trying to write a relatively simple program. However, the problem isn't in the writing of the program. It's the fact that the language keeps modifying itself, seemingly randomly, while compiling, often defying logic itself in the process. The program itself is simple, but that's not the challenge. It's finding a way to stabilize/recognise the language's mutations and syntaxes enough in order to finish the simple program. Not so simple after all?
It's been about 2 weeks since I've been back, and all rather uneventful. The usual gatherings, the improper jokes and 3am conversations. The family dinners and late movies. Then the girl arrived, and nothing's been the same. Clashes? Unprecedented. Complications? Overwhelming. Insomnia? Dominating. Death? Looming.
As much as don't like to admit that this blog is socially/politically influenced, unfortunately, it is. I have not the ability to summon enough boldness to break that barrier this time, not just yet. Events that have transpired have ultimately landed me in this state of helplessness, loss and confusion. I don't know what to make of anything anymore. I can't read female wavelengths, I admit it, and I'm about to give up trying. Someone wake me up.
Posted at
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6/21/2009 12:32:00 AM
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Sunday, June 21, 2009
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... And after a night's sleep, the world auto-recalibrates itself.
I once read something in a fantasy book that I agree with. People tend to drag goodbyes out, until they become sad, depressing affairs. Rather, goodbyes should be short, brisk affairs, never dragged on longer than they should be. And in contrast, greetings should be the ones cherished, the moment prolonged for as long as possible, an occasion for rejoicing.
Finally moved room, though I regret it dearly. The new cramped room I'm holed up in makes a blast furnace feel cool. The move itself was a terribly complicated and messy procedure, which took me the greater part of the day, not to mention about 2 days before simply in preparation, like packing. 7 trips back and forth the old and new rooms, not only monotonous but also labour-intensive. It went alright though, and I managed it alone (with the help of a trusty trolley) (the brand was Prestar - Made in Japan. I spent the greater part of the day staring at the ground, and consequently, the logo, while pushing it), despite the sheer amount of stuff (I'm estimating about ~300kg between a distance of 500m). The reason it went okay was due to the fact that it somehow, at least, managed to engage my brain, in planning the most efficient load makeup required in order to move all the items in the least possible number of trips. Turned into a game of sorts, and stopped me from killing myself in boredom.
One of the boxes (the heaviest one, with books), collapsed off the trolley in the middle of the carpark road during the 4th trip, emptying about 50kg of books and paper onto the floor, broken box to boot. A Malay man helped me out though, if only just to lift a finger. After 5 minutes, it was all I needed to remedy the situation, and thankfully someone provided it.
According to the management, I was supposed to have been able to receive help in moving my stuff over. However, when I went to the desk in order to proceed with the check-out and enquire about help with my room, I was not only surprised to be attended to by two security guards, but was also shocked that they (somewhat nervously, in hindsight) denied the existence of any such "service" provided. Then in walked the man I've been liaising with himself, who gave me the news that I would have to move rooms, personally. To cut the long story short, guess who the "workers" were supposed to be?
Which leads me to this realisation: does the initial perception of ones status in first impressions really make that huge a difference on dealings with the same people after that, despite knowing their true place? In this case, I couldn't bring myself to call back to the check-out office and ask those two security guards to come down and help me move my things, having first been introduced to them when they helped me handle my check-out administration. Perhaps in my mind, albeit arbitrarily, they filed in a higher social status that I'd have expected a "worker" moving my things would have. In addition, I doubt I'd be able to summon the courage to ask any "worker" to move my things for me had I known him personally, even as an acquaintence, or even carried a conversation with him. It's much easier to be interpersonal and ignore the fact that we're all equals, all human in this race, isn't it, especially when ordering another to do work possibly accomplished by oneself? Is our society still truly hierarchical under it's facade of equality and democracy? Or is it just me?
New phone ftw.
Watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist with the girl, and definitely recommend it to anyone who wants to finally see a movie that doesn't portray love as some idealistic, perfect thing, but rather something imperfect, something awkward, but ultimately something human. The most human, realistic love story I've ever seen really. Anyone who's liked the movies I've occasionally recommended, and likes a take of a slice of ordinary life, with it's bits of awkwardness and love icing on the top, this one's worth your while.
I should go, got sleep to catch up on. I can't sleep properly on planes for nuts, instead wading dreamily through the twilight zone, misted over with headache and pressure irregularities.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
Posted at
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6/08/2009 02:21:00 AM
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Monday, June 8, 2009
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After it's all said and done, at the end of the day, I just come to realise that in the end, I'm just as flawed as anyone, worse even. No matter how much I tell myself that I'll get it right, that I won't be a letdown, it appears I fail still. And the words, they hurt. Hurt not in ego, nor in intellect, but simply hurt as a reflection of that inflicted, carried in shapes of letters, keen daggers, they burn.
Why does it have to be this way? We make it a habit of keeping hurts to ourselves. Theory has shown that hurts are much better dealt with when exposed right away, but time and again, something keeps us from revealing them, but at what cost? Does one realise that in withholding hurts, one damages not only themselves and the relationship, but ultimately, when expulsed in an overflow of negative emotion, the other person? And yet, we continue to keep hurts in, thinking we're protecting the other, thinking ourselves overtly sensitive, attempting to diminish the hurt in our minds, lacking the boldness to state plainly that a hurt had been recieved. Is it of fear of negative reprisal? Then, in that case, one should bear in mind the greatly augmented reaction experienced in response to a collection of hurt, unleashed at once, upon a person.
For whatever reason, something prevents us, particularly Asians in Asian culture, from divulging precious, albeit sensitive information, in an interspersed, timely, and harmless manner. It's a bind, a weakness of our culture, in my opinion. Fears of embarrassment, fears of acting out of turn. Hurts accumulate, instead of being dealt with immediately. A lack of straightforwardness and openness bred deep in our culture has produced a generation of politically geared, multi-faceted, over-cautious and suspicious minds, myself included. Forthrightness has been demolished, and in it's place, layers of political intrigue, presided over on overt assumption, has been established. Curse it. I'm tired of trying to read between lines of what people say, of trying to glean information where there is none, or missing heavily layered and disguised intention under seemingly unimposing phrases. Someone wake me up.
The result? Misunderstanding. Incongruence. Leading, of course, to multiple sustained, but contained, hurts, due to the lack of knowledge on the other's part. Eventually, it becomes too much to contain, and the bitterness withheld is unleashed in a torrent, possibly along with pain, anger, resentment, and the rest. Many of these echo and resonate in the target of the onslaught, along with something else: shock. As pointed out earlier, this is probably the first time this party ha been made privy to the presence of what is only now recognised as a string of multiple hurts. Unfortunately, by this time, any apologies issued are already too late; the hurt has been festering, and no amount of consolation will stem the flow, and the resulting residues. Any pleas, protests, apologies, or cries are drowned out in the outpouring of previously collecting and undisclosed hurt. Consequently, once the burden has been offloaded, communication is immediately cut by the initiator (a result of the emotional flux), leaving the other in a state of shock after the ordeal, after vague, futile attempts to establish some form of communication are unsuccessful.
To be continued.
We cry.
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6/03/2009 02:10:00 AM
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Wednesday, June 3, 2009
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Glen
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I've discovered a recurring weakness in myself. Exposure to high high pressure and stress follows with vaulting, ambitious plans envisioned for a utopian aftermath. Ultimately, they turn out unrealistic. Not so much due to their magnitude, but my ineptness in accurately gauging my own potential following an ordeal such as the one not very long ago. Lapses into states of sheer apathy, an aversion from duty, from anything useful at all, save fun. An adrenaline junkie, if you may. The correct technical term this eludes me at the time of this writing. As you can tell, I really don't care.
Surrounded, trapped by circumstances, the result of what was just explained is a terrible crunch, either occuring at the end of the holidays, or in my case, a major exodus, on several levels.
Being forced out of a room, not once but twice this holidays, was a terrible blow. Contend as I might, even with the help of my dear mother (a master in the art of Compulsion), little ground was gained. Resorting to outright rebellion might have worked, had my appeal not been on the line for another year in this hole, with their draconian administrators and imbalanced resource distribution, not to mention fail customer support. If this was a game, I'd quit. No, says the UB3R 31337 H4X0R, I'd DDoS/root their servers. Pwnt.
Unfortunately, it isn't, and we're all just victims in the end.
Whole bunch of other things to do as well... And heading back to Melbourne on the 8th is the source of the crunch, albeit, thankfully, one to look forward to still (as opposed to the end of the holidays...). Long story short, it'll get done, with a little focus (left without a choice, really). So grateful for the dear girl, who's been around to help with all the mess of moving, and lend support in this psychologically unstable time for me, despite her own share of it. I'll miss her, for the first 10 days that I'll be away in Melbourne, and even more for the 3 weeks in Europe. But as consolation of sorts, she'll be coming to join me in Australia for the rest of my time there... It's nice having good things to look forward to =)
That said, it's been a great two weeks, spending time catching up on the important things in life. Phase II of the holidays begins in a week, and the preparations must begin. Now, let's attempt to sleep in this half-packed, sneezy, dusty room, even as i'm reluctant to leave it.
Your presence is magic.
Posted at
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5/31/2009 01:01:00 AM
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Sunday, May 31, 2009
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Glen
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The madness is at an end, and an uneasy balance has settled over the burning, dying world. Yet for one beleagured soldier; weary, battered, but alive; he knows it is only the beginning. But fight on he will, for this was the path he chose to tread, the destiny he chose to claim. Though it lead him through hellfire, and sorrow, and death, against the essence of the corrupted world itself; falter, he must not, he cannot. To inch forward, against all odds, to the very heart of chaos, that is his destiny; though destroy him, it may, and break him, it will.
I just hope nothing breaks yet. Not so soon.
Do excuse the lack of posts due to my final exams for first year, or First Professional M.B.B.S Examination. It was definitely on another level of "examination" than I was formerly familiar with, I'll give it that. It's probably the first time I've had 5 papers, consecutively, every day from Monday to Friday. There are few things more draining, and not just in one sense. The mental strain, the constant internal struggle for control, the isolation from loved ones... The list goes on.
As one would expect, the resulting backlash after the exams finish is... Overpowering. The resulting sense of liberation and freedom is such a powerful rush that at first, it leaves nothing but a void. However, it quickly fills up with anything and everything that it encounters, the less productive the better.
I really thank God for guiding me through that trying time, and for all the precious people he placed around me, and the support and strength they lent me, on which I was borne when my own had long grown cold.
Now that's over, let's get back to where we left off.
No cost too great.
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5/18/2009 01:48:00 AM
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Monday, May 18, 2009
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Glen
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Judging from the time of this post, you can probably guess which side of sleep I'm making this post from. Yeah, it's really getting stressful.
The worst part is, sometimes I find I'm not feeling enough stress to be able to keep up with the revision demands expected of me, with the amount of material there is to cover. Perhaps I really need to pile on pressure to make myself work.
Then again, after a while, you realise the pressure is real.
Like everyone else, can't wait for all this to be over. I can't do this kind of studying, rote and mundane, yet do it I must. I suppose, at the same time, I have a lot to look forward to once the exams are done... For one, the girl finishes off her job at around the same time, and I'm glad she is. Noxious work environments aren't good for anyone, but her most of all.
And to you, who has been so helpful, supportive, and understanding during this period, even in the midst of your own struggles, thank you. Thank you for the late nights, the morning coffees, and the warm company; the tight embraces, and soft kisses. You've given me a reason. Thank you, for you.
Back to the books. 6 days left to exams, and 10 to liberation.
You're the last piece.
Posted at
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5/05/2009 05:50:00 AM
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Tuesday, May 5, 2009
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Glen
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New life, new look.
Quick post before I have my first and most important visitor! I've been wanting to do this remake for a while now, but I've never got around to doing it... Probably due to the absence of factors motivating me to make such a dramatic change in my somewhat stable online persona (okay, subjective, but never mind).
Then that moment came, and everything changed, for life on the outside. It only feels natural that it should be reflected here, where my thoughts and emotions go down, sometimes raw, sometimes stewed, and sometimes deep fried.
Here's to you, love.
Posted at
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4/25/2009 12:59:00 AM
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Saturday, April 25, 2009
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Glen
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Crying, dying world.
Nightmares and uncertainty,
Cold and chaotic.
Darkness enshrouding, black storms
Rage, death on the horizon.
Burst of colour, ray of
Light. Purity and beauty
So precious, fragile.
Time stops. Holding this moment
Forever, never let go.
Dawn breaks; the world, a
New shade. Promises and hugs,
Whispers and trust, sweet
Kisses in quiet places.
Take me, Love, carry me home.
Watch this space.
19/04/09
Posted at
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4/23/2009 01:30:00 AM
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Thursday, April 23, 2009
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Glen
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Found myself today singing out loud your name,
You said I’m crazy,
If I am I’m crazy for you.
Sometimes sitting in the dark wishing you were here
Turns me crazy,
But it’s you who makes me lose my head.
And every time I’m meant to be acting sensible
You drift into my head
And turn me into a crumbling fool.
Tell me to run and I’ll race,
If you want me to stop I’ll freeze,
And if you want me gone I'll leave, just hold me closer baby
And make me crazy for you.
Crazy for you.
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Stress is really piling on. School's almost ended, and everything's coming together for one last final push for the final exams, mid-May. Yet amidst all the trying situations and self-control struggles, there's a peace, and a calm on the inside. And there's you, who brightens a day while at it's darkest, whose smile chases troubles away. And right at the centre of it all, standing with you, I know it's going to be alright.
My grandparents stopped by this week in Singapore (dad's side), so meeting up with them was quite interesting. It's always been pretty awkward I thought, having dinner, just by myself with my grandparents, but it somehow turns out alright... They aren't really fazed by silences, and neither am I, so I just enjoyed the dinner (buffet ftw). Honestly, as my grandparents get older, it's more difficult each time, always wondering if it will be the last time you see either one of them. Not a pleasant thought, but eventually one that will be true, sad as it is. Many people seem to avoid death as a topic of conversation (like death, pun intended, not), but I find that ironic. Why would you fear that which comes to all eventually. Especially for grandparents, who have lived a long and fulfilling life,and death is the logical next step. The best we can do, is treasure those we love around us while we still can. Really changes your perception of the aged, or anyone really, doesn't it?
It seems, I really don't have any idea when it comes to really drawing close, to loving someone. It appears that I'm too free with my praises, to sweet with my words, and who knows what else I'm getting wrong. Maybe following your heart to the letter isn't the best way... Or is it? I'm a fast learner, or so I believed... We'll see if I'll be able to pick up and modify, if it's really required in the first place.
Just a quick post, I'm off to bed. Not much time to post these days... Okay fine, I'm just not making time. But really, there just isn't much to post. Am I withdrawing?! I forsee my posting style evolving in the imminent future. Not like anyone wants to read my personal recounts... Not like I want to post them all up here =P.
Night.
Ticklish wreck.
Posted at
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4/15/2009 11:32:00 PM
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Wednesday, April 15, 2009
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Glen
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All that it takes, one more chance.
Don't let our last kiss be our last.
Give me tonight and i'll show you.
I know everything changes, I don't care where it takes us.
'Cause I know how I feel about you.
Can we bring yesterday back around?
Cause i know how i feel about you now.
I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down.
But I know how I feel about you now.
Not a day passed me by, not a day passed me by.
When I don't think about you.
And theres no moving on, cause I know you're the one.
And I can't be without you.
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So here I am again, hovering in the space between earth and sky, heaven and hell. Purgatory to some, the void to others. Don't know how I got here, only that it had something to do with you. Don't know how I'll get out, only that maybe, one day, you'll save me from this empty place. So I'll wait, and I'll be holding on, until that day. And if it takes forever, then forever here I'll stay.
I'm different, too. You aren't the only one. Unlike the rest, I'm not going to coax you down, like anyone else would, like you'd expect me to. I only ask that you let me up. I'm not asking you to come out, only that you let me in. I'm standing alone outside the cold, stone walls of a castle so far away from civillisation, with a lyre in hand and fresh flowers, a serenade in my mouth and a longing in my heart, my soul bare. Shut me in, lock me up, but as long as you stay with me, who needs the outside? Two is company, but one is only alone.
I realise I don't handle my emotions very well. I'm too easily touched, overly sensitive to the affairs of my heart. I swear, I never used to cry this much in a year. Nutcase? Perhaps. Emo kid? Probably. But when it comes, I can't stop it for the world, like nothing I've ever felt before. All that is alright, except for one thing. I happen to be a guy. Guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially not anywhere near as easily or for the same reasons. The poor brain's too fried to be of help either, it overheated and died in the first wave of emotions this strong.
Do you know what it feels like to pour out your heart? It's tiring, and draining, like nothing I've ever done before (think 3 days without sleep), but at the end, I'm glad I did it. With all my cards on the table, I can sit back and enjoy the cigar, the ambience and the drink, because for me, there's nothing more to play, only to wait for the end, since I have no more turns. As to how it all ends, that's up to the cards still in your own hands, and how you choose to play them. Take your time, there's no pressure. My cards aren't going to change, although my cigar might end, my drink empty, and the band finish performing. But I'll be sitting at this table, as long as you still are.
We had our last clinical session yesterday, and that was the last for this academic year (the rest of this half). I must say, it was quite an experience getting involved with patients so early in the course, and I'm really thankful for such a dedicated and helpful doctor. We gave him a cute bear, a trophy, and a card signed by us, which he'll really appreciate, I think. It was really nice of the girls too, to have thought up the idea.
Been so tired, but there's a lot to be done. Prioritise, prioritise.
<3.
Waiting games.
Posted at
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4/07/2009 10:59:00 PM
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Tuesday, April 7, 2009
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Glen
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There is something that I see
In the way you look at me
There's a smile, there's a truth in your eyes
But an unexpected way
On this unexpected day
Could it mean this is where I belong
It is you I have loved all along
It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart searched for so long
And it is you I have loved all along
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It never ceases to amaze me how God comes through for us, at the most critical period, at breaking point. And you're holding on with all of your faith, praying that God will give you that desire, while at the same time wondering if it is His will, and suddenly, it is done. The turmoil ceases, the sky is calm. Everything's suddenly in tune again, and my heart and emotions are put at peace. That's before the celebrations begin.
What happens next, is going to be something quite different from anything I've ever done before. But, at the same time, I'm so glad, we're finally here. Pack your bags, and I'll pack mine, and meet me at the station at sundown. Take my hand, and let's go; we'll never look back.
Your move has been made, the step taken. My clock's ticking, the time going, once again. It's running out fast, and I'm down to my last few seconds. Wait for it; here comes checkmate.
Sound the trumpets, sing you people; for this day, a new age dawns; heralding with it many glorious wonders and mysteries untold. Brace not, but embrace it, defend not, but reach for it. We face not a foe, but something much greater. Today, it is love that is upon us.
Here it comes.
Posted at
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3/31/2009 05:58:00 PM
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Tuesday, March 31, 2009
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Glen
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You're a masterpiece
I know that he
Can't appreciate your beauty
Don't let him cheapen you
He don't see you like i do
Beautiful not just for show
Time that someone let you know
I can't take
Seeing you with him
'Cause I know exactly what you'll be
In his gallery
It's just not fair
And it's tearing me apart
You're just another priceless work of art
In his gallery
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I know it's a little late, but I'd just like to say a big thank you, to all of you who helped give meaning to my birthday. Even though it is just another day, I believe that the weight and significance of a day can gauged by the meaning added to it by those around you, rather than the day itself, which really, is meaningless.
And to you, who made that day special, who made my day; here's a heartfelt tribute of appreciation. Expression once again seems to fail, the capacity of the English language is such. However, my gratitude, along with the resulting influx of emotions, continues to soar far above that limit. You've given me something so invaluable and precious, though it may seem like so little. It's going to stay with me for the rest of my life, and I will treasure it. Powerful indeed, memories are.
Finally got myself a bag... Cost a bit, but I think it's worth it. Timbuk2, for those wondering. Ballistic nylon? Win. While most of the bags stocked here are made in Vietnam, I managed to get one hand-made from San Fransisco. Got lucky I guess? One of the last few in Singapore, I believe. It was the colour I wanted, too. All black. Somehow, I think colour seems a little too important to me sometimes, than I'd like to believe.
Men's Conference at church yesterday was pretty good, althought a little too testosterone charged for my liking in certain aspects... Come to think of it, I think it's the first one I've been to, despite it being held at my church back in Australia annually. I sort of realise why now, it never really appealed to me, their selling points, that is. However, Phil Pringle was great, and I suppose there are some things that you can't really preach/say when the girls are around. =P
Waiting, sinking slow,
But then, still we hold for
You, elusive dove of
The nighttime, angel of dreams,
Blooming yonder. Come, daybreak.
Ad infinitum.
Thank you for the music.
Posted at
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3/28/2009 01:10:00 PM
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Saturday, March 28, 2009
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Glen
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'Cause I don't presume to know shit about you,
When you won't really tell me until I beg you to,
But I know that perplexity's a wonderful thing,
It's a sudden found joy, the strangeness it brings...
So hey, you, could you give it a rest?
Just take me home and get me undressed,
Put on a fire and make it enough,
Oh, we're geeks, but we know this is love.
I like that we argue,
But not everyday,
Your scent in a room,
The way that you say 'color' not 'colour'.
What colour today?
It's grey, grey, it's grey.
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School's moving along, we're full swing into the next and final stages of my M1 studies - Head and Neck. And also, as rumour has it, the hardest. On top of that, we're going to have to start cramming in work from the entire year, a year's worth of revision into the next two months or so leading up to the final exams. Daunting task, you say? Well, sacrifices have to be made, definitely. But some things get sacrificed more than others, and some things don't. I managed to study harder than I've studied since I get into medicine for the last CA, despite it's appalling turnout. I'm going to break that record again for the Pros coming up this time.
Building on the previous post... I realised something further. Simple, uncomplicated things, they tend not to hold my interest for very long. This applies to people too, much as I would like to think otherwise. Superficial people, they don't engage me. Whether they're just being superficial, or that's really all there is to them, I find it difficult to go further than acquaintences, or at most friends. I find that the people I tend to relate to, form closer friendships with, they can be complicated, deep. But wonderfully so. Much as I like understanding stuff, it's the things that sometimes I realise I'll never fully understand, that really enchant. Call me crazy, but somehow, it's those who possess a deeper level of thought and understanding who truly captivate me, no matter how they appear on the surface.
Ahem, as I was saying... The External Jugular Vein lies superficial to the Sternocleidomastoid, deep to which lie the contents of the carotid sheath...
I passed my driving Basic Theory Test (BTT) today~! Despite what it was hyped up to be, it actually turned out rather straightforward... Ok, it wasn't really hyped up. I was told it was easy, and that i'd be fine, while around me people had failed/were failing it. Anyway, really studied that book back to front, pulled a super ninja move that landed me in the BTT practice, right before my actual test time. Yup, you were right. Questions got repeated, lol. Anyway, now that's done, I've got to get my Provisional Driving Licence up, and start preparing for the Final Theory (FTT), and looking for private instructors for practical lessons. Contacts, anyone?
My goodness, I think we really annoyed the old man during clinicals today... Imagine, 10 medical students taking turns at touching him under his shirt, taking they're time about it, then discussing him, in front of him (albeit in English which he thankfully didn't understand), but honestly the glances we gave would have been enough. Suddenly the conversations would just cease, and 11 pairs of eyes turn on him, unblinking. We're counting his respiratory rate, but he doesn't know that now does he. I'd be freaked if that was me, honestly. Thinking back, poor guy huh ><.
I need a new bag. Now. Going bagless is starting to get to me, running around today without one was terrible. Ever since I broke my last bag, I haven't been able to find one I liked that was IN STOCK (mumble mumble crumpler mumble stock fail mumble). Now, I'm just desperate for a bag, not desperate enough to just get any one (I'm actually really really fussy.), but I'll explore a little further =P.
Bye~.
Beautifully complex.
Posted at
at
3/20/2009 11:00:00 PM
on
Friday, March 20, 2009
by
Posted by
Glen
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When I hear your voice
It's drowning in the whispers
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there's so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
You know I'll be there for you
--------------------
The CA is over, but it's only just begun. I really did study for it properly, this time around. And got stumped yet again. I won't rant about it here though, it's already over, and there's nothing more to be done now. I've promised not to be cut up about it, and I won't.
Sometimes though, I wonder what the issue is. It's been 3 exams, and I still haven't seem to have got the hang of studying at uni, studying in Singapore. It's a big change, definitely, from school in Melbourne, but how long does it take?
If there was one thing I'd pride myself in as a person (God aside, that's another story), I think it would be the ability to learn anything, comparatively fast. Teach me anything, and if my body's able to handle it, I'll learn. Whether it's concepts, practical skills, or anything else, I find I pick things up a lot faster than it takes most others. There's one problem though. While I pick up new things quickly, when I have to go beyond anything above the basics that is graspable in one sitting or session, or move into deeper levels of learning within a certain discipline, I start to waver. Also, while I can pick up things quickly, I tend to lose them just as fast, or faster, if I don't consistently use it.
People ask me why I'm worried about the CA and the coming big exam, or "Pros", short for "First Professional M.B.B.S". If you talk to me after a lecture about what was just said, I apparently tend to have an idea about what was said, and understand it quite well. But what people don't realise is, if they asked me the same questions regarding that lecture a week later, I wouldn't even remember what lecture they meant. I suppose, herein lies my problem.
Hmm, the opportunity to serve in my faculty's VCF community has come up. I haven't really been able thus far to serve reliably in church or other outlet, so perhaps this is something I should seriously consider. We'll see where this goes.
Trying to get wireless ad-hoc ICS working on Linux via Windows Vista is a pain. Doubt anyone has any tips though I guess. It's annoying how I have a spare computer sitting next to me here, and it's doing nothing. Such a waste of an unlimited access to university internet, for illegal purposes or otherwise. Oops, in case you didn't hear, Facebook and blogs can be used against you in lawsuits now. =P
When it comes to relationships, I guess I have some pretty radical ideals. Conservative, naive, but as much as they may be, it's what I believe. Maybe that's why no one's bothered with me thus far. Too much time, effort, thought and work. Hard to understand, hard to grasp, hard to accept, yes, but it's worth it, believe me. So thank you, for understanding, where no one else has before.
Has got to watch a movie. And eat popcorn. Now. It's been way too long since the last time.
Touched.
Beautified bolster.
Posted at
at
3/16/2009 08:20:00 PM
on
Monday, March 16, 2009
by
Posted by
Glen
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I watched the world float to the
Dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something
To do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with
My superhuman might
Kryptonite
--------------------
This one's going to be a really rushed post... With the exam coming on this Friday, this time I'm fighting for more than just my own good results. I guess, whether it's of my own doing or not, there's a lot more riding on this CA than there normally is. Well, we'll see how it turns out this time around.
Oversensitivity, even to the point of self-deprecation... But you know, that's what I like about you. It's the reason why you're so sweet; even when others perceive in another light, you love; even at the expense of yourself. Don't lose that, special one. But at the same time, please trust me, and trust reason~, and give us a chance to take some of that! ; )
Thanks so much for Saturday, Lynette! I had a great time, I really did, and I don't think I've ever sung quite like I did that night. Definitely not in front of people... I probably made a fool of myself though, but somehow, it doesn't feel so bad... =)
Concentrating is getting really hard, ugh. I cannot have burned out after what, 4 days? Maybe I should just sleep, and it'll all be fine in the morning. Somehow. Which means I should really be going, now. 3 days to the exam and if I took the paper right now, I'll probably be better off guessing and scraping 25% for the MCQs. Help?
Next post after the CA... Brief respite, before the final exams looming. And the green pastures after that. Which somehow don't seem to last quite as long as we would wish. In the long run, it's just a repeating cycle... If we can't live with it now, how will it turn out after the same thing repeats, continuously, over months, years? Maybe we'll get better at it somehow.
Cya.
Nothing compares.
Posted at
at
3/09/2009 10:06:00 PM
on
Monday, March 9, 2009
by
Posted by
Glen
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Well I hope I never figure out
Who broke your heart
And baby if I do
Well I hope I never figure out
Who broke your heart
Baby if I do
Well I'd spend all night losing sleep
I'd spend the night and I'd lose my mind
If I spend the night then I lose my mind
Spend all night losing sleep
I'd spend the night and I'd lose my mind
If I spend the night then I lose my mind
Spend all night losing sleep
I'd spend the night and I'd lose my mind
If I spend the night then I lose my mind
--------------------
Reconciliation is a wonderful thing, isn't it. Miscommunication just breeds uncertainty, and uncertainty, misunderstanding. Sometimes I wonder, if everyone were just able to speak their minds freely, what sort of place we'd be living in... But then, I don't know if I'm capable of it, myself, or if I'd even want that, expect that of anyone. And sometimes I think the mystery, the suspense, it's intriguing in it's own, secret way. Nobody's open book, you say?
I wear a mask. I constantly modify it, little improvements, here and there, tweaking, optimising it for maximum performance. It's always improving, a work in progress. Behind my mask, are two faces. My mask comes off sometimes, to reveal one or the other, but let's just say, it doesn't happen much. None but a handful have seen them both. Then again, I think no one's really wondered what's behind the mask. Have I fine-tuned it to such great capacity, that it doesn't even seem like one any more? Even more remotely, the possibility that I'd want to take that mask off myself (never). I used to be able to assume all this to be true... Now, I'm not so sure.
It's odd, but as a Christian, I guess I've never really been able to get along with most of my "brethren". I find, more often than not, aside from the fact that we worship the same God, our personalities, ideals, differ vastly. This apperas especially true (based on my own findings) with 1st generation Christians, or relatively new believers. Note, this is by no means true in all cases, in fact, I believe there are, and will be, exceptions. However, in the vast majority of cases, I simply can't seem to get along with them. It appears to me that many adhere to a certain group of personality trait(s), though I lack the means to obtain this information. It might have to do with my upbringing, possibly, though I can't be sure. I was brought up in a Christian home, yes, but it isn't long after mental maturity that you start to ask the question, "what is this all about?". And so, intrisically, there lies the first difference. I started out with all the information available to me, and I set out questing for the reasons why, from this side of the fence. This might explain my differing perception of many things, including sometimes, our own faith, with other believers.
Thinking analytically, assuming I was not born into a Christian home, and everything still happened the same somehow... Then by this time in my life, I see myself either being a strong atheist, an agnostic (and deserving of the title), or at the very most, a skeptic in search of meaning. If no one bothered in that hypothetical life to take me gently by the hand, and show me the way patiently, slowly, and painstakingly, I'd never find God, short of a direct touch by God Himself. Not with a mind geared this way. I suppose, for this, I have to thank God. Being born into a Christian family made things a lot easier for me, and I'm glad for it. For one, my life would definitely have turned out vastly different without God's hand in it. But I suppose, as a result of this realisation, I've also found that when I encounter and get to know people, in whom I see one who resembles that hypothetical me, my heart goes out to them.
The A level results release on Friday. All the best to every one of my former batch-mates, though I doubt any one of them are going to be reading my blog still... Except for you =) (If you are not a former batch-mate, do excuse the reference~). So best wishes, and don't worry, because there isn't a point to it. There's nothing to do now except wait patiently, calmly, and pray. Hold on, hold fast.
My own exam's in 10 days. Unbelievable. It's incredible where all that time just disappeared to. I've really got to get a grip, stop with all the gaming/anime already and really get down to business, before it's too late to even do anything about it. The time is now.
Peace.
Telepathy.
Posted at
at
3/02/2009 10:27:00 PM
on
Monday, March 2, 2009
by
Posted by
Glen
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If I have alarmed you, I didn't try
I'm tongue tied
I've got to be honest, I'm terrified to fly blind
I tried to disarm you I played this part a thousand times
The hunter's the hunted
I'm terrified
I'm open wide
The distance is spanned between you and I
Can I see you tonight?
When the pen in our hands and our best laid plans
Will stand alone on our side
--------------------
So long, trying to tell you, but never getting it out, never managing to get it across. But now, hearing it back from you, the effect is odd, irrational even. Why does the room suddenly feel a little colder, a little quieter? Doesn't make any sense, does it. I don't know what's inside that complicated, mess of a matrix that makes up my heart anymore. Confused, desperate, insecure. But the time just isn't right, not now. So thank you, for drawing it.
Just got to keep giving everything to God. The hardest thing I've ever had to surrender unto Him, but I did, and keep doing it, I will. "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6, KJV)
Tomorrow is the first day of the NATAS fair, and tickets for the Europe trip have to be settled, once and for all. Meeting up with the other three members of my backpacking group, Xuhui, Lynnette, and Weiting, on-site price assessment, and on the spot booking. Hope nothing goes awry.
Recess week has been a recess from school, but not much else, even though I can't study. My mind's been speeding, 100 round the bends, and it doesn't stop. I need some tranquiliser... I think you hit me with some.
My blog needs a new name. It's become sadly inapplicable over the course of time. The truth is, this blog's evolved, and I guess I've changed. I'm hardly even capable of being objective enough to be worthy of this name anymore. You've been warned.
Night.
We cry.
Posted at
at
2/26/2009 11:44:00 PM
on
Thursday, February 26, 2009
by
Posted by
Glen
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We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
When you need to find the strength
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time
-------------------
I'm not quite sure how to explain. Frustrating though it may be, there are things that must be taken care of first. You said so yourself. In the end, it's all in your hands. Where it's all going, how it'll all end up. Your call, your initiative; the ball's on your side of the court. I can help show you where it's going to land, help you position the shot, even cheer from the sideines. But ultimately, whether you take the shot or not, that's up to you. If there was any other way I could help at this point, I would. Yet this search, this quest, it's personal; something only you can undertake for yourself. I don't really have a shot to play; the ball isn't on this side. Time it, place it, and take the shot when you will. If you do, I'll be ready, and we'll play.
It generally isn't played this way, I know. I served a crazy ball, and I guess it's not one many would bother returning at all. Just because I served a little unorthodox, doesn't mean I don't want a game. But won't you put all that on hold and prioritise, starting with what's most important first?
Goodnight.
Right here, waiting.
Posted at
at
2/23/2009 10:38:00 PM
on
Monday, February 23, 2009
by
Posted by
Glen
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A lovestruck Romeo, sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low with a love song that he made
Finds a streetlight, steps out of the shade
Says something like, "You and me, babe, how about it?"
Juliet says, "Hey, it's Romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack"
He's underneath the window, she's singing
"Hey, la, my boyfriend's back
You shouldn't come around here, singing up people like that
Anyway, what you gonna do about it?"
Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start
And I bet, and you exploded in my heart
And I forget, I forget.. the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?
--------------------
Next week is a holiday week, thank goodness. I'm behind in schoolwork and the rest of my life, and the holiday was sorely needed just to catch up with everything and get ready for the coming CA. The NATAS Travel Fair will be on at the end of that week, too, and the plan is to grab the Europe flight tickets there, and no later.
How hard and awkward it is, when "friends" just isn't natural, nor does it feel that way. I know. But how can you explain that some things just have to be sorted out first, or when time just isn't right yet? Especially when it's so sensitive, that not making any mention would be imprudent and unthinkable, but overstating could potentially jeopardize?
It's something that, to some, only comes with time, and effort. And therefore, until then, I'll be that friend to guide you, intercede for you through prayer, and to show you, lead the way. In the search for identity and for meaning, and purpose in life, what greater joy is there than discovering Jesus?
"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." (Matthew 6:33, NKJV)
I've never managed evangelism, sharing the Good News, very well. I'm neither highly empowered with incredible charisma, nor particularly powerful testimonies, and I suppose I'm not the greatest example of who a Christian should be. But the time comes when God convicts you of something, places someone in your spirit to pray for. In combination with an actual desire to see that someone know the relationship they can share with God, a real hope for one to truly be saved and recieve salvation, even people like me step out. Especially when you can relate to the way he/she thinks and rationalises, too. And so, I will forsake my reticence for once, because this time, I simply care too much.
Nights.
"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?" (2 Corinthians 6:14, KJV)
Posted at
at
2/16/2009 10:01:00 PM
on
Monday, February 16, 2009
by
Posted by
Glen
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Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on
Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on
--------------------
I used to think of people who spoke of emotional tumult as weak-minded, and unstable. I've only come to realise, I'm no better. In fact, I'm probably more fragile than anyone I know. More easily broken, and hell, when broken, fragile things break hard. It doesn't even take any great stimulus to trigger it. Just briefly, a mistake, dragged out, and when it comes to boiling point, I simply shatter. Through no other fault than my own. Was it greed? Pride? Infatuation? Whatever it was, I should have had the mental fortitude to have let her know, much earlier.
Do you know what it's like to say goodbye to the one of your dreams? Not to a person, necessarily, but what could have been. It was almost perfect, in every way, the level of connection you'll possibly never find again, someone worth it all. That's how much she meant to me. Oh, you say I'm naive, I'm inexperienced, I'm immature, I'm young. By all means, I'll accept those accusations. But I'm smart enough to know when something so plainly clear, so blatantly obvious appears in front of me. It's as instinctive, as intuitive as the human response to day and night. It was almost perfect, in all but one aspect.
Yesterday, people asked questions, too many times, too many people. "You look sleepy", "What's wrong, Glen?, "You look like something's bothering you", "You look sad about something". Obviously, sleep didn't work out too well. Nothing went into my head in school either, I might as well not have gone at all. I replied with negatives, "it's nothing", "just a little tired", "it's Friday", and to those a little closer, "Don't worry about me", "I'll be fine". Repeated so many times that I almost began to believe it, doubted the sincerity of those words less and less. But inside, I knew I was holding it in. I guess you were right, I really do let my emotions show on my face. I can't help it, not when the slew of assaults on my soul becomes ceaseless, and endless. The faithless resound, "what have you done, fool". On their grounds, I have no answer.
I prayed, prayed for His peace, prayed for His strength, at the same time thanking Him for everything, and for his will in my life. They say God will honour me, for honouring Him, putting Him and His perfect will for my life first. But no one ever said anything about how much it could hurt, or how heart-wrenching it would be. But then, I guess I was too weak, too weak to have saved myself from so much pain earlier. So here I am, reaching out, clinging on to God in a vice-grip, screaming that whatever the plan is, it had really, better be worth it. Because it's certainly beyond what I'm able to fathom, not for what I've given up, this Valentine's day. I only pray God heals this relationship, forgives me my wrong, and that there will be no complete estrangement.
Eyes red, dry from the tears, lips chapped and nose running. Mind in tatters, heart in shreds, reacquaint my knees with the floor. Heavy head in trembling hands, legs weak, consciousness oscillating. Unsure if sleep had consumed, or the ache of waking knawed. No escape, in either realm.
I've had a sheltered life, relatively free from suffering, free from pain, free from the harshness of this dying world. And for that, I thank my parents, and I thank God. I realise the time would have had to come, sometime. I wasn't prepared. At all. I'd well be dead by now, if God suddenly disappeared from my life, now. But as C.S Lewis put it: "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world". He definitely made himself heard.
Still, it feels like I'm learning to live again. Learning again to depend on the Joy of the Lord, and His peace that surpasses all understanding. Music suddenly just isn't palatable anymore, I can't bear listening to anything, especially anything with lyrics at the moment. Reconciliation has occurred, but not yet within myself. I'll be healing, for some time. Ask me how long now, I'll tell you forever. But God has a way. If I have the faith to keep within in His will, surely I will have the faith to carry on again. Someday.
So long.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.
Posted at
at
2/14/2009 02:03:00 PM
on
Saturday, February 14, 2009
by
Posted by
Glen
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Filed under:
Live my life
Around the pictures
Taken when we met
Spending all of my time
Chasing your silhouette
For all we go through
I don't wanna change you
Despite my running in reverse
Trying not to forget
Who we were
Inside
And here we go
We break
And we bend
Turn it inside out
To take it back
To the start
And through the rise and falling apart
We uncover
Who we are
--------------------
I'm meant to blog, but there isn't much to say. But we'll see.
I'm getting sort of sick of this gastric problem that I have, really need to go see a doctor about it. It has honestly the best timing ever of coming up, just when I don't need it. Annoying. Coupled with the fact that I actually studied this not long back, one would almost suspect that it's just Medical Student Syndrome. But it isn't. Current findings: Occurrence when I overeat, and take caffeine after. Also observed when soy taken before food. Possible similar effect with alcohol, though not thoroughly observed. Occurrence when I overeat spicy/oily food. Hypothesis: Mild Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD): Lower Esophageal Sphincter incompetence, combined with factors of caffeine/calcium (from soy)/alcohol. To be confirmed with certified physician.
My room really needs to get tidied/cleaned up. It's in an embarrassing state. The thing is, as long as I can keep people away from my room, there just isn't enough incentive for me to clean it up. Bleh. Irresponsible much.
Clinicals on Monday were really something out of the norm. Instead of doing ward rounds within the neonatal ward again, or meeting adult patients/parents of the babies, we actually went to the children's ward, and spoke to two young teenage girls with Nephrotic Syndrome (long-term kidney problems). What amazed me, not right away, but as a part of what our doctor mentioned in his debrief to us (paraphrased, of course), was essentially this: "Physicians always tend to underestimate the capacity of the patient in coping with chronic disease. We think that someone suffering from what seems like such a delibitating disease for so many years must surely be devastated. And yet we are constantly surprised by how cheerful, how positive these patients are in their outlook on life, and their ability to cope. Never forget it." Never undervalue the tenacity of the human spirit. If there's one thing our species can be noted for, beyond our localised sentinence or intellect, it is that.
I had yesterday and today (Friday) off, so I thought I might go settle some things that have been wanting doing for a long time coming (and paying visits at workplaces for lunch~). One of them is getting registered at the driving school, and for the Basic Theory Test. The queues have been so long all the other times I went, something like 4 hour queues, that I just gave up and left right away. This time, I went on Thursday morning. Ding, queue ticket in 10 minutes. The other thing I've been trying to do is get a new phone plan (and consequently, new phone). However, nothing seems to have been going right. One thing after another, until today I found out the phone I so painstakingly picked out was out of stock. That was the last straw: I can't be bothered anymore. I'm just going to wait until the next wave of new phones come in, and see what's what. Hint hint, Google's Android.
Ok, that reminded me that I still need to book my driving test time.
Ciao.
Shade of my heart.
Posted at
at
2/07/2009 12:48:00 AM
on
Saturday, February 7, 2009
by
Posted by
Glen
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Take my hand, take a breath
Pull me close and take one step
Keep your eyes locked on mine,
And let the music be your guide.
Won't you promise me (now won't you promise me, that you'll never forget)
We'll keep dancing (to keep dancing) wherever we go next
It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance
--------------------
Hmm, odd observation I made the other day, while I was thinking. I seem to be doing that a bit lately. It seems that, whenever I'm thrust from one environment into another, I automatically default to those around me as a representation of my previous habitation. This has held true not only once, but twice now. The sad truth is, I myself do not truly embody either culture that I've transitioned to and from. As a result, sometimes I wonder if I'm warping the minds of those around me, by constantly making weak references to the culture I was formerly from, when in truth I am, myself, far from a true exemplification of anything close to it.
Which begs the question, what am I then, and what do I symbolise?
I am an erratic fusion of cultures, of races, of faces. I am the man who lives on the border. I am the mutant fruitloop in your spoon. I am the unstable concoction over the counter. I am bitter, sweet, and even sour. I am the mustang in a field of towers. I am a Hybrid.
Chinese New Year was pretty eventful, compared to last year's anyway. Non-stop, and before I knew it, there went the long weekend, in a puff of smoke and too few red packets. I've long since got used to the fact that I never did get much out of Chinese New Year, due to the halved revenue gains (none from dad's side~) and all that. Still, it was somehow more enjoyable than the last. Probably because I'm not in the army anymore. And a few other things.
I'm definitely glad for the break though, I really have trouble keeping up with Biochem. Rote memorise much? Don't even ask. On the plus side, the Europe trip plans are really coming together, but we're rate-limited (omg, I hate biochem) by the travel agents and/or plane ticket prices, which will, at this rate, consume too large a proportion of our budget.
The Chinese New Year celebrations continue through to this Saturday, and I'll probably be over at Lynette's place for dinner, with some of her friends (who, despite my initial apprehension, seemed pretty nice... Last time we met, at least >.>). I'm still full of CNY goodies from aunt's place and the partying into the night. Dota with cousin was good though, it's not often I get good games, what with a fail connection like this one at NUS.
I just got my results, and frankly they really are quite bad. I expected them to be, I suppose, but falling into bottom 10% of the class bracket is really something to worry about. Definitely need to pick up on the studying. Which is why I don't know why I just can't find the motivation to do so. I blame Biochem. Still, I'm looking at improving my standing (hopefully) for the next CA. We shall see.
Need to sleep now, before I oversleep again, zzz.
新年快乐.
Posted at
at
1/29/2009 10:46:00 PM
on
Thursday, January 29, 2009
by
Posted by
Glen
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If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
Then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me.
If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away
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The week's just gone by, such that I've even forgotten to post up 'til now. I think my inside's been all spun up and tossed about, so much so that I question how... Objectively... This post will come out. I think my blog needs a new name.
School's been... Constant. We started Biochem again, the subject that was my bane in the first CA, and is now come back to haunt me. The way Singaporeans study this is appaling. How can they expect us to mass memorise massive amounts of information with little or no context at all? I think that's a major difference between the education system here and in Australia. There, the focus is on understanding, here it just appears to be rote. I think that's one of my problems: I can't just memorise stuff that mean nothing to me, and that I can't place in a larger network of understanding that makes up my brain. I'm just not as good as some of the people here, and frankly I find it quite scary, how people manage it as if it didn't make a difference to them.
Well, it's been some journey so far. It's felt like a long-travelled road, but then again like it's been no time at all. Sometimes I've given the idea too much thought, other times I never gave enough, but what do you know, before I knew it, here's relationship knocking on my door. Inexperienced as I am (and proud of it), I'm willing to admit that I really don't have any idea. Some say I'm too conservative, others that I'm too liberal, but I suppose, to me at least, I treat this sort of thing seriously. This is, after all, someone elses life one's dealing with, not some toy, some computer, or hell, even oneself. Hence, do excuse me if I revert to my serious mode, because it is only with real considerations that I snap out of my usually uncaring, un-planning self, and really deliberate and mull over situations, at my own pace, in my own time. The philosophy of course being, it's better sometimes to take more time with decisions, and eventually make the right one. Consequently, it also allows for certain issues or discrepancies to be settled beforehand. I wonder at myself sometimes... Despite my randomness and apparent nonchalance, I'm still suddenly shown situations where I can't bring myself to move any faster. My brain just speed-limits it, so more time gets spent turning it over and analysing it, subsconsciously or consciously. What a killjoy. But then, it's for the better eventually. Says the brain. At least this time the brain probably isn't strong enough to do anything more, except slow it down. I believe it got overpowered, quite completely and irrevocably.
By the way, I highly recommend reading Twilight - Stephenie Meyer, to anyone who hasn't read it. And no, it's not just for tween girls. I actually liked it a lot, and if you bear reading this blog, it's definitely worth your while. Can't say the same for the movie, I haven't seen it, and don't have any immediate intentions to. I've normally read most books before their respective movies suddenly appear in cinemas, but this one caught me by surprise. I blame my sudden lapse in leisure reading, which I'm slowly getting back into. Very few things are better than a good book, combined with the time to read it.
Plans for the Europe trip are definitely getting underway, it's all quite exciting really. Almost as exciting as my trip back to Melbourne this time around. We're looking at around three weeks in July, spanning Germany, Italy and France mainly. It's just a Western Europe trip, we're backpacking with limited budgets, so... Still, we'll probably get to see and go the places I've wanted to for ages growing up. I've never been to any other part of Europe except the UK, and that was when I was too young anyway.
City Harvest has a Chinese New Year service on Saturday, instead of Sunday due to reunion dinners and Chinese New Year's Eve. I'm particularly thrilled about this week's service, what with such a significant part of my life teetering on the edge and all.
Random observation (one of the few I'm capable of making still), when I get close to someone, I inherit their music. Beautifully fresh.
Byebye.
Posted at
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1/22/2009 05:10:00 PM
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Thursday, January 22, 2009
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Posted by
Glen
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I'm just a girl
I'm innocent come take my hand
I'll show you the world of my own
You're just a boy
Who makes me weak who takes my sleep
I need you to dance the night away
I can't stand it anymore now baby
The music makes me feel so crazy
So come on and take my hand
And I'll show you the way to dance
And again and again I need that feeling
'Cause baby I know I'm not dreaming
So come on and take my hand
And I'll show you the promised land
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I don't really know how to attach a descriptor to this week. Some parts have just felt like a dream altogether, and some dreams have felt too real. Everything seems so surreal, and yet some things feel more tangible than they ever have. How do you describe what it's like to feel so alive that you get disorientated? How about the reason why the sun seems to shine brighter, the birds seem to sing better, and food doesn't even taste the same? What about the reasons why you can't sleep at night, despite how absurdly tired you are? Or why when you do get to sleep, you aren't even left alone then?
Yeah, it's been quite a week.
School's been strangely alright, despite what I tell people normally. Maybe it's the fact that the Uni internet is sucking so badly at the moment that I can't even play WoW or Dota without lagging badly enough to put me off it. I'm really going to need an answer to this one. Anyway, as a result (and also a mix of other factors), I've been managing to read up more from the textbooks and revise more regularly than I'm used to. The result? I actually seem to have some idea of the things they talk about in lectures now... Incredible! Could it be that... Reading up beforehand works!?
But honestly, not being able to play WoW (especially for the raids, where I'm actually needed) properly is not a good thing at all. I've tried a host of solutions, mostly to no avail. Lowerping (WoW tunneling), routing through a virtual machine, you name it. The conclusion is that NUS internet just EPIC FAILS. This leaves me with either: having to go to a LAN shop somewhere to raid (terrible, hate the idea, can't be bothered, my addons aren't there, my UI isn't done, my mouse/ settings/ keybinds aren't there, I have no idea where the nearest LAN shop is, how will I get back when raids end at 1am and still wake up for school?), OR, the alternative: Get 3.5G WiFi (Mobile wireless internet connection), for the low price of $40 a month. Huzzah. You can either die, pay 3 times the price I'm paying now just to play WoW, or quit. Spoilt for choice.
Angsty rant inc.
Ok, Hokkien classes are officially FAIL too. I honestly don't know what I was expecting when I signed up for them, but seriously I shouldn't have expected better than this. Hokkien is Chinese dialect, an alternative commonly spoken by the older generation of Chinese Singaporeans in preference to Mandarin, the common ethnic language now (apart from English). The dialect is coarse. It was made to be coarse, and always will be. Now, guess what happens when the lazy Hokkien teacher (who, by the way, is getting paid loads per lesson we take) decides to use her Mandarin notes to teach us Hokkien. Alright fine, since Hokkien is a spin-off of Mandarin, I gave her a chance. Guess what we ended up with? She doesn't have any teaching style whatsoever, other than to go through lists of words, telling us how they're said in Hokkien. Oh yes, and of course, repeating it back to her as a class. I love how helpful that is for us to communicate with patients in the wards in future (the entire point of this exercise). She then proceeds to go through politically correctly formed phrases and sentences (made for Mandarin students), and do a literal, direct translation to Hokkien. The result? Some extremely oddly formed, overly long and convoluted sentences in Pretty Damn Advanced Hokkien, and in formal narrative, completely inappropriate. Take for example this sentence in Mandarin (translated, of course): "Don't worry, there shouldn't be a problem. But you will be required to take further medical check-ups and examinations." The spoken Hokkien equivalent? "Nah, it's cool. But cya later." Oh, and did I mention the irritating habit of this old lady teacher of not pronouncing her words? She has this annoying tendency of rolling words off her tongue, such that the letters and pronounciation at the periphery, especially the first and last letters, are so muffled as to be indecipherable, except perhaps by lipreading. Given, perhaps the first and last letters aren't relevant in Hokkien (what kind of messed up language...), but still. You have no idea how irritating it is when she seems to keep changing the way a word is pronounced. Wondering if I should have bothered.
Excuse the rant, but I had to get that out.
Hmm, it's actually been quite a while since I spent my school weekends out and about and without express reason to, instead of in my room doing various things, including slacking/ gaming/ notstudying. But it was great fun... Really enjoyed myself, more than I have for a while. I forsee big lifestyle changes incoming.
Good night.
So, is this what they call love?
Posted at
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1/14/2009 07:28:00 PM
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Wednesday, January 14, 2009
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Posted by
Glen
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If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it’s never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
‘Cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin’ stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you’re dreamin’ of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
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So it's the end of the first week of school. I need to coin a term for the feeling that hangs in the pit of your stomach as you transition from a holiday period/mood back into the routine of school and classes. If there isn't one already.
School's been average, first day was absolutely killer though. Just like them to overload us with the information in the "introductory" lecture. I fell asleep. While that might not have been entirely due to the substance of the lecture, it still had a part to play. Definitely. Ok fine, so I slept a bit late. No excuse though, I wouldn't have slept if it was interesting enough!
Went to Jack's Place on Monday for dinner, which was really nice... Sort of a psuedo-birthday dinner on my parent's part for me, since they'll miss my birthday this March, on the 24th. I guess it was the last real dinner I had with them, just the four of us, the family. It was a nice feeling, and the steak was perfect. I'm definitely going to miss the food when they're gone though... Absolutely cannot afford to eat that kind of dinner, much as I miss western food. Maybe on occasion. And I'm definitely not going to restaurants alone.
CG leader from VCF (Varsity Christian Fellowship), a CF in University, asked me to help him to the praise and worship on Tuesday, choosing songs and playing the guitar. I declined him the last time, and I suppose I'm not actually terrible at the guitar anymore, so I didn't have any excuse not to. Sort of went ok, apart from me dropping the pick halfway through the last song -.-"... It's seriously been too long since I played for anyone in public. Think 4 years+. Going to VCF also got me thinking about ministry... I've been here for a year now, and I'm still not serving anywhere, in church or otherwise. It's about time I started to seriously think about what I can do.
Mum, dad and sis left on Wednesday... Pretty emotional episode, as usual. I find it a little sad myself that seeing them leave everytime gets easier each time, though something tells me it's getting harder for them. Which then leaves me feeling indebted somewhat, with no sincere way to do anything. Had dinner with them at the airport, along with two aunts and my cousin -.-" wasn't quite what I expected of my last dinner with them... But oh well, you learn to share =P and so the next time I'll be seeing them is probably in the mid-year holidays. Looking forward, sort of.
It's incredibly late, just a short post/update. MSN can really make time disappear... But I love it. Lynnette lent me Twilight, which I plan to get to reading... Ok I just realised there are two Lyn(n)ettes appearing on my blog, lol. To clarify: Lynnette is a medical student, and an Orientation Group-mate, whom I met at Medicamp. Lynette (note the lack of an "n"), I've known since my primary school days, and is quite easily my oldest friend with whom I still keep in contact with. Which by the way really says something. Thank goodness for the difference in spelling huh, I'd hate having to give people nicknames for something like that -.-" though phonetically there's no difference...
Which reminds me! The OG has been talking about planning a Europe trip this mid-year holidays too, and preparations are finally underway. Should be an experience to remember. Any recommendations for places to go, or travel guides in that direction is appreciated =).
Good night.
Posted at
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1/10/2009 12:57:00 AM
on
Saturday, January 10, 2009
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Posted by
Glen
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