If I have alarmed you, I didn't try

I'm tongue tied

I've got to be honest, I'm terrified to fly blind

I tried to disarm you I played this part a thousand times

The hunter's the hunted

I'm terrified

I'm open wide

The distance is spanned between you and I

Can I see you tonight?

When the pen in our hands and our best laid plans

Will stand alone on our side

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So long, trying to tell you, but never getting it out, never managing to get it across. But now, hearing it back from you, the effect is odd, irrational even. Why does the room suddenly feel a little colder, a little quieter? Doesn't make any sense, does it. I don't know what's inside that complicated, mess of a matrix that makes up my heart anymore. Confused, desperate, insecure. But the time just isn't right, not now. So thank you, for drawing it. 

Just got to keep giving everything to God. The hardest thing I've ever had to surrender unto Him, but I did, and keep doing it, I will. "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6, KJV)

Tomorrow is the first day of the NATAS fair, and tickets for the Europe trip have to be settled, once and for all. Meeting up with the other three members of my backpacking group, Xuhui, Lynnette, and Weiting, on-site price assessment, and on the spot booking. Hope nothing goes awry. 

Recess week has been a recess from school, but not much else, even though I can't study. My mind's been speeding, 100 round the bends, and it doesn't stop. I need some tranquiliser... I think you hit me with some.

My blog needs a new name. It's become sadly inapplicable over the course of time. The truth is, this blog's evolved, and I guess I've changed. I'm hardly even capable of being objective enough to be worthy of this name anymore. You've been warned. 

Night.

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I'm not quite sure how to explain. Frustrating though it may be, there are things that must be taken care of first. You said so yourself. In the end, it's all in your hands. Where it's all going, how it'll all end up. Your call, your initiative; the ball's on your side of the court. I can help show you where it's going to land, help you position the shot, even cheer from the sideines. But ultimately, whether you take the shot or not, that's up to you. If there was any other way I could help at this point, I would. Yet this search, this quest, it's personal; something only you can undertake for yourself. I don't really have a shot to play; the ball isn't on this side. Time it, place it, and take the shot when you will. If you do, I'll be ready, and we'll play.

It generally isn't played this way, I know. I served a crazy ball, and I guess it's not one many would bother returning at all. Just because I served a little unorthodox, doesn't mean I don't want a game. But won't you put all that on hold and prioritise, starting with what's most important first?

Recess Study week. Yay. 

Goodnight.

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Next week is a holiday week, thank goodness. I'm behind in schoolwork and the rest of my life, and the holiday was sorely needed just to catch up with everything and get ready for the coming CA. The NATAS Travel Fair will be on at the end of that week, too, and the plan is to grab the Europe flight tickets there, and no later. 

How hard and awkward it is, when "friends" just isn't natural, nor does it feel that way. I know. But how can you explain that some things just have to be sorted out first, or when time just isn't right yet? Especially when it's so sensitive, that not making any mention would be imprudent and unthinkable, but overstating could potentially jeopardize?

It's something that, to some, only comes with time, and effort. And therefore, until then, I'll be that friend to guide you, intercede for you through prayer, and to show you, lead the way. In the search for identity and for meaning, and purpose in life, what greater joy is there than discovering Jesus?

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." (Matthew 6:33, NKJV)

I've never managed evangelism, sharing the Good News, very well. I'm neither highly empowered with incredible charisma, nor particularly powerful testimonies, and I suppose I'm not the greatest example of who a Christian should be. But the time comes when God convicts you of something, places someone in your spirit to pray for. In combination with an actual desire to see that someone know the relationship they can share with God, a real hope for one to truly be saved and recieve salvation, even people like me step out. Especially when you can relate to the way he/she thinks and rationalises, too.  And so, I will forsake my reticence for once, because this time, I simply care too much. 

Nights.

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I'm meant to blog, but there isn't much to say. But we'll see. 

I'm getting sort of sick of this gastric problem that I have, really need to go see a doctor about it. It has honestly the best timing ever of coming up, just when I don't need it. Annoying. Coupled with the fact that I actually studied this not long back, one would almost suspect that it's just Medical Student Syndrome. But it isn't. Current findings: Occurrence when I overeat, and take caffeine after. Also observed when soy taken before food. Possible similar effect with alcohol, though not thoroughly observed. Occurrence when I overeat spicy/oily food. Hypothesis: Mild Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD): Lower Esophageal Sphincter incompetence, combined with factors of caffeine/calcium (from soy)/alcohol. To be confirmed with certified physician. 

My room really needs to get tidied/cleaned up. It's in an embarrassing state. The thing is, as long as I can keep people away from my room, there just isn't enough incentive for me to clean it up. Bleh. Irresponsible much.

Clinicals on Monday were really something out of the norm. Instead of doing ward rounds within the neonatal ward again, or meeting adult patients/parents of the babies, we actually went to the children's ward, and spoke to two young teenage girls with Nephrotic Syndrome (long-term kidney problems). What amazed me, not right away, but as a part of what our doctor mentioned in his debrief to us (paraphrased, of course), was essentially this: "Physicians always tend to underestimate the capacity of the patient in coping with chronic disease. We think that someone suffering from what seems like such a delibitating disease for so many years must surely be devastated. And yet we are constantly surprised by how cheerful, how positive these patients are in their outlook on life, and their ability to cope. Never forget it."  Never undervalue the tenacity of the human spirit. If there's one thing our species can be noted for, beyond our localised sentinence or intellect, it is that.

I had yesterday and today (Friday) off, so I thought I might go settle some things that have been wanting doing for a long time coming (and paying visits at workplaces for lunch~). One of them is getting registered at the driving school, and for the Basic Theory Test. The queues have been so long all the other times I went, something like 4 hour queues, that I just gave up and left right away. This time, I went on Thursday morning. Ding, queue ticket in 10 minutes. The other thing I've been trying to do is get a new phone plan (and consequently, new phone). However, nothing seems to have been going right. One thing after another, until today I found out the phone I so painstakingly picked out was out of stock. That was the last straw: I can't be bothered anymore. I'm just going to wait until the next wave of new phones come in, and see what's what. Hint hint, Google's Android.

Ok, that reminded me that I still need to book my driving test time.  

Ciao.